Part 10 in the series “What Containers Reveal”
Eleven draft emails recovered from a deactivated email account belonging to user “tdolan.82.” Account closed by the user on March 15, 2024. Draft contents were extracted prior to deletion. None were ever sent.
Draft 1 — Created June 3, 2022, 11:47 PM
To: saoirse.dolan Subject: Hey
Hey Saoirse,
I know it’s been
Draft 2 — Created June 3, 2022, 11:52 PM
To: saoirse.dolan Subject: (no subject)
I’m not writing to start anything. I just wanted to say that I think about the thing you said at Dad’s
Draft 3 — Created August 19, 2022, 2:14 AM
To: saoirse.dolan Subject: I should have said this at the time
I should have said this at the time but I didn’t because Mom was there and you know how she gets when we
The thing is you were right about most of it. Not the part about me being like him. That wasn’t fair. But the rest of it, about how I just went along with everything after the diagnosis instead of
I don’t know what I’m trying to say.
I think I’m trying to say that someone had to make the decisions and you left and I was the one who was there so I made them and some of them were wrong and I know that but you don’t get to
Draft 4 — Created November 2, 2022, 6:30 PM
To: dr.kpatel Subject: Question about grief counseling referral
Dr. Patel,
You mentioned at my last appointment that you could refer me to someone who specializes in grief counseling. I wanted to follow up on that. My schedule is fairly open on
Actually, I’m managing fine. Sorry to bother you.
Draft 5 — Created January 1, 2023, 12:08 AM
To: saoirse.dolan Subject: Happy New Year
Happy New Year, Saoirse. I hope you and Liam are doing well. Mom says you’re thinking about moving to Galway. That sounds nice.
I cleaned out Dad’s study last week. I found the photos from Connemara — the ones where you and I are standing on that wall and Dad is pretending to push us off and Mom is yelling at him from the car. You were maybe six. I was nine. You’re wearing my jacket because you forgot yours and I’m pretending I’m not cold.
I put them in a box. I can send them to you if you want.
I miss
Draft 6 — Created January 1, 2023, 12:15 AM
To: saoirse.dolan Subject: Photos from Dad’s study
Hi Saoirse,
I found some old family photos while cleaning out Dad’s things. Let me know if you’d like me to send them along.
Hope you’re well.
Tom
Draft 7 — Created March 30, 2023, 9:45 AM
To: tdolan.82 Subject: Things I need to do
- Call Mom (Wednesday)
- Cancel Dad’s remaining subscriptions (newspaper, Audible, that wine thing)
- Return the wheelchair to the medical supply place (receipt in the kitchen drawer)
- Grief counseling??? (see draft to Dr. Patel)
- Reply to Saoirse
- Sort through the rest of the study
- Stop sleeping in the chair
- Reply to Saoirse
- Actually reply to Saoirse
Draft 8 — Created July 14, 2023, 4:22 PM
To: saoirse.dolan Subject: The house
Saoirse,
Mom wants to sell the house. She can’t manage the stairs anymore and honestly the place is too big for one person. She asked me to let you know and to ask if there’s anything you want from it before we start clearing it out.
I know we haven’t talked since the funeral. I know why. I’m not asking you to pretend that’s fine. I’m just telling you about the house because you deserve to know and because there are things in there that are yours and I don’t want to throw them away without asking.
Your room is still exactly how you left it. She never changed it. I don’t know if that makes this easier or harder.
Let me know.
Tom
Draft 9 — Created July 14, 2023, 4:41 PM
To: saoirse.dolan Subject: The house
Hi Saoirse,
Mom is selling the house. Let me know if you want anything from it.
Tom
Draft 10 — Created December 24, 2023, 11:58 PM
To: saoirse.dolan Subject: (no subject)
I sent the photos. The Connemara ones and some others. I sent them to your old address in Cork so if you’ve already moved to Galway they might not reach you. I should have asked first but I didn’t want to write another email I’d never send.
That’s not true. I have eleven drafts to you in this folder. I just counted. This will be twelve.
Here is what I couldn’t fit in any of them:
I’m sorry I told you not to come home. I said it because I was angry and tired and Dad was dying and I was the one changing the sheets and crushing the pills and sitting with him when he didn’t know where he was and you were in Ireland and I resented you for it. I resented you for leaving. That doesn’t make it right.
He asked for you. Near the end, he asked for you. I told him you were on your way. I don’t know if that was a kindness or a cruelty. I still don’t know.
I should have called you. Instead of telling you not to come, I should have called you and said please come, I can’t do this alone, I’m scared and I need my sister. But I didn’t because I’m like him. You were right about that too.
The house closes January 30th. If you want to see it one more time, you’re welcome. You were always welcome.
Tom
Draft 11 — Created March 15, 2024, 8:00 AM
To: saoirse.dolan Subject: Fwd: Your Photos
[Forwarded message — delivery confirmation from An Post, parcel tracking number redacted, delivered to Galway address, signed for by “S. Dolan” on January 19, 2024]
She got them.
[Account deactivated March 15, 2024. No record of any messages sent to this recipient.]
[A separate account, “saoirse.dolan,” contains one draft created January 20, 2024, at 3:12 AM. Recipient: tdolan.82. Subject: “Re: Photos.” Body: “Tom —” followed by 947 words. It was sent.]